November 23, 2008

An Answer

Not the answer I wanted. I'm not pregnant. Again.

We thought it was all lined up perfectly. The Clomid, the surgery, the timing. I even ovulated FOUR. TIMES. Yep, four times in one cycle. It seemed like it was all going to work out.

But it didn't.

I know God has a plan, and maybe that plan is that we don't have any more children naturally. Maybe it's that we will be adopting. But, I really wish He'd clear this up for me and not make my ovaries ache every time I see a baby.

I know what everyone wants to say right now. Yes, we do realize that we have Lorelai and we are SO grateful for her. She is a great child. No, we're not taking her for granted. BUT....having her doesn't make the desire to have another one any less. If anything, it makes it worse. Now we KNOW what we are missing. She's awesome. We are SO blessed to have her. And it would be great for her to have a sibling. She WILL have a sibling, naturally or not.

We've asked God to take away the desire to have another child, if it's not His will. And He hasn't. We believe it's going to happen. But we still get frustrated. We still get sad. We cry. We mope.

It's getting harder and harder, but we press on. Two solid years before Lorelai and now 21 months of negative pregnancy tests this time, it's starting to get really old.

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, even though I know I am. I feel badly, because everyone is always so nice saying that I have a great attitude. And I try my best to be positive at all times. I just also want to be real and tell you that infertility sucks. If I could, I would punch it in the face. Anyone else? :-)

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38 comments:

Jennisa said...

Yes...infertility SUCKS! I hear you, and I will pray for you! We went through it for 3 years, and it is so very painful....I also hated those "comments" about, "oh, at least you have Avery"...that seems to be what everyone says.....give it a break, right?

hugs to you, all the way from me!

Tracye said...

I'm so sorry.

I know every period is like a slap in the face... and it sucks.

It will happen. We don't understand God's timetable, and it's definitely frustrating.

I'll keep praying for you guys.

Elizabeth said...

I'm with you girl...I keep thinking...maybe this is the month and then remember, oh yeah, I'm infertile.

Beth (A Mom's Life) said...

I hate that you are having to go through this. Hang on to your faith and God will see you through.

I'm praying for you guys.(And I don't want that to sound cliche...I just put you on my prayer list and I will be praying for you every day.)

bauer zoo said...

rachel, i am so sorry. i wish i had the answers you need, but i don't. just know we all love you guys and you are in my prayers!
amy

Anna Childress said...

It's okay to be sad. Know that you are much loved and prayed for...(and anxiously awaited in VA...Hey, VA is for lovers. :-)

Joanne and Deric said...

I'm not going to say anything positive, I'm not going to say anything at all - I'm just going to tell you that I will keep praying for you, and just let you know that you are always in my thoughts and very special to many many people.

swile67 said...

Believe it or not, I do understand to some degree...I get the same comments about my singleness. I so desire to be married and have a family, but God is saying wait. He hasn't taken away that desire from me and like you, I have prayed. and wept and prayed. I get the terrible comments from people and satan likes to discourage me during those weak times when I believe those lies.

My ovaries long for a baby too - seriously...physiologically my body longs for a baby, but now I feel I'm too old for a natural one. And who knows if I could even have one. I have to trust that He knows what He is doing!! My point in all my ramblings is to encourage you...you are not complaining and it is okay to feel exactly how you feel. Hang in there for whatever adventure God has for your family. Take care. God Bless! Karyne

Dee said...

Oh I am SO sorry! And nothing I say will make you feel any better so I just want to let you know that I'm praying for you and you are going to constantly be in my thoughts! And I also want to send a BIG hug to you...your post had tears in my eyes!

BreAnna Fowler said...

I am sorry you are going through this. I wish I could punch infertility in the face for you too.

I think you have every right to be honest. Honesty and complaining aren't always the same. Hannah poured her heart out at the temple and Eli thought she was nuts! She was crying and praying fervently.

David was always very clear about his feelings with God. You will find the whole spectrum of emotions in the Psalms.

So, don't feel bad about pouring your heart out. God cares about you and how you feel. So do we!
Saying an extra prayer for ya tonight. :0)

Our Complete Family said...

I don't know of anything to say to help you feel better other than to know that you've got one extra person~ ME~ saying a prayer for you!!!
Can I say welcome to O'Fallon yet or are you getting in tomorrow? Looks like no snow for your cutie pie while you're here, too. But, we've got outdoor pics tomorrow here in town so I'm glad there is no snow for tomorrow but I wouldn't mind it on Friday!!! ;)
Gobble, Gobble~ Les

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

I hear you girl...I really do. People say those things to me and I alternate between feeling guilty and then feeling mad that they don't understand. It's a rollercoaster for sure, and I don't understand why we are on it, but I know God still has a plan. And so I trust Him, hard as it may be.

Still praying for you...

Uma and Wil said...

I came up empty trying to find something witty and funny to comfort you. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm here. You know where to find me if you want to "talk." I'm sending you lots of internet love and squeeze. It's almost obscene.

stormhuse said...

If you find out where Infertility lives then I'll go over with you and JD to kick it's butt.

stormhuse said...

We love you guys!

Rebecca said...

We love you too! I am confident that times like these of disappointment and struggle are ways for God to take us to another level of faith in Him -- you are a real trooper and I am glad you were open and honest enough to blog about your real feelings.

Becs said...

You are in our prayers.
And you are incredibly strong.

Shannon said...

We love you three and you are never far from our thoughts, love and prayers. Blessing to you all..

Anonymous said...

I hate it as well...
~Carrie

Baby Kry said...

Yes, I want to punch it too!!! I am not ready to hear the" oh you have alayna" line yet. I am thinking of you guys and praying for you. "just relax" and it will happen...just kidding of course. That was my favorite line to hear!

Rach@In His Hands said...

Girl, you know that I know what you're saying. ;-)
When we were first married we wanted 5 kids. Then we were going through our battle with infertility, we prayed and prayed for just one child.
Now that we are on the road to our first little blessing, I am selfishly already looking forward to a sibling.
Praying for you, friend. All in HIS hands!

Lori Hoag said...

If I could have punched every person in the face who told me, "just relax, it will happen" or "dont think about it, it will happen when the time is right" or, I love this one, "you are good people, you'll get pregnant!". whatever, people. All I ever wanted was for someone to say--damn, that sucks!!! It sucks big time. Dont feel like you need to have a positive attitude--you need to have your time to mourn every cycle.

I think it is AWESOME that you are blogging and getting your feelings out. I kept it all bottled up and was more miserable for it.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, once again, for being so honest on here Rachel. I definitely got watery eyes reading this post. Lorelai definitely needs a lil brother or sister! I really believe now that your ovaries are doing what they are supposed to be doing something great will happen.

Love ya!! Julie Z.

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

I am so sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you travel through this.

Anonymous said...

Oh Rach, just know you are in my thoughts, and prayers.
In times like these, we are to console one another.
Not necessarily advise, but just "be there".

Will lift you up at lakewood, on Sunday morning also.

Love you sister in Christ,
Alyssa's aunt helen

Rachel @ Unexpected Blessings said...

So sorry for you. Know that you are loved and we are praying for you.

Throwin' Fitz said...

Wish I had the answers or at least some words of inspiration... I'll keep saying a little prayer for you guys.

JAMIE'S CREW said...

I am sorry to read the news Rachel. So sad. On to another round of Clomid, right? It did take me more than one round of Clomid to get pregnant with my twins. In retrospect, I can see that that God's timing was absolutely perfect. But, I have to admit - it is so da*n difficult to accept God's timing sometimes. The desire to have another baby is strong. Please know that you are thought of often and I will include you in my prayers!

How are you doing on settling in to your new house?

Gayle @ thewestiecrew said...

Awww, sweet girl. I'm so sorry.

It doesn't matter how many children you have, when your heart wants more, and it isn't happening, it hurts and badly.

Praying for you right this minute.

Our Complete Family said...

Just thinking of you as you go through the pcs hun. Hoping it's going well. Did you hear me holler 'Hey' to you as you passed through O'Fallon?!? ;) Hugs, Les

Our Complete Family said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lori said...

Just a punch in the face? HA! That IS having a great attitude - I'd be wanting to do more than punching were I in your shoes!!

Hope the move goes well - those are always sooooo much fun (hear a trace of sarcasm??) Sounds like you guys may need to make a mini-vacation for yourselves once this is all done!!

Toni said...

You said everything I feel so well!!! You continue to be in my prayers and maybe this next month is our month!!!

Brenda said...

I'm sorry. I can only imagine all the negative tests. I took a lot, but probably no where near you.

It stinks. I'm sorry. Praying for you!

Michelle Herlihy said...

You have every right to be frustrated, and if you want to complain, complain! That's what we're all here for. I'm sorry, that's all I know to say. I wish I could wave a magic fertility wand over you to get things working. I do know that I've been praying for you and your family since your first post about this, and I will continue to do so. It will happen, in His time, you know this, you have to believe this. God wouldn't give you anything you couldn't handle. This you know too. Frustrating as it all may be. I can't say I've been in your shoes and that I understand your frustrations and emotions, b/c I haven't. But, one of my sisters has. PLEASE feel free to send her a note at any time for support, questions etc. Her blog is Expect the Unexpected (look for it on mine). Hugs to you sweetie...

Pennies In My Pocket said...

You're not complaining. You're stating FACTS. Infertility is horrid. We're going to start trying again in the new year. Since it took us 9 years to conceive pumpkin doodles, I'm not looking forward to 'trying' again. Part of me doesn't even want to try, but then that would mean not having another child. I'm right there with you...hang in there sweetie. Oh and ALWAYS feel like you can vent here. :)

~melody~

Terry @ Breathing Grace said...

I suddenly thought of you out of the blue even though I haven't visited for a while. I was, in fact, wondering if you had gotten that positive test yet. Now I know that I thought of you because I am to resume praying.

Tim and Stef McKean said...

We know, too, the sorrows of infertility. Ya just brought me to tears. How lucky you are--to have so many wonderful friends praying for you and who are so supportive.